I intended to come here today and write a nice, happy post about my weekend camping at my family reunion and how much fun I had spending time with all of my aunts, uncles and cousins. And maybe I will write that post, but this morning something else happened that I need to write about first.
This morning I learned that my therapist is moving back east, to New Hampshire, at the end of the summer. Frankly I fell to pieces when she told me the news. I cried for pretty much the entire hour of therapy this morning, and I'm still reeling.
For those of you who haven't known me as long/as well, the backstory is this: I've struggled with on-and-off depression and more-on-than-off anxiety my entire life, but it was never treated in any way, I just slogged through. In January of 2008 I was assaulted on my way home from work late at night, and by March of 2008 my wife and I knew that I was, to put it bluntly, Not Dealing Well with the fallout of the assault. I sought out therapy, eventually getting a diagnosis of PTSD (along with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety, just for fun). I've been seeing Therapist ever since, along with other specialists, and if it weren't for her I wouldn't be here right now. There were months at a time where the hour (or several hours) of therapy I had each week were the only thing keeping me on my feet.
But I've been doing well lately. My depression and anxiety are mostly under control, and life is going well. This is good! But I certainly wouldn't be considering leaving therapy entirely yet, if not for the fact that my therapist is leaving me.
I am not a fan of change. I have serious fears of abandonment. It feels like it is my fault that she is leaving because I neglected to worry enough about that possibility. If I worried more, clearly the power of my worry would have kept it from happening. I'm torn between falling back into all my unhealthy coping mechanisims and just saying to hell with it all, and wanting to do everything 100% perfectly for the next ten weeks so Therapist can leave with a positive image of me, and be proud of me.
Straight up - I'm scared. I know I'm in a completely different place than I was a few years ago, and I am in no way a danger to myself anymore. But to think about trying to maintain this place without the very therapist that helped me get here scares the shit out of me. What if I relapse? What if I falter? What if I can't find another therapist that I connect with in the right way? Can I do this on my own?
I guess it's time to find out, whether I want to or not.
Ready or not...