It's been over a month since I first told everyone that T and I were going to start trying to expand our family. Since then I've been suspiciously silent. It's, well, not great. Half a step in, and we've hit a wall.
When I went in for blood tests, I got a freakishly high blood sugar reading. A week later another test confirmed with a slightly less freakishly high result. Diabetes. Which means all baby-making activities are on hold until we can get my blood sugar under control.
I am, in word, heartbroken. This doesn't mean that I can't ever have children, and I'm trying to keep reminding myself of that fact. This is just a pause - not the end.
Normal blood sugar is between 70 and 100, pre-diabetes is 101 to 125, and diabetes is anything over 125. The first result I got was 180, the second was 108.
I haven't the foggiest idea how to deal with this.
Well, physically I'm doing everything The Professionals tell me to. I started Metformin, twice-daily blood sugar testing at home, and I went to a nutritionist and completely re-vamped the way I eat. That's been the hardest change. Everything I eat is weighed and measured and timed to the minute. It's been an incredible amount of work. I feel like all I do is cook and measure food, cook and measure food, cook and measure food. I haven't had a bite of food in the last sixteen days that wasn't weighed, measured, and nutritionist approved.
Physically there is A Plan, and I'm Doing It Right (Come Hell Or High Water). Emotionally, I don't really have a clue how to deal with this. There is a lot of anger and even more tears. It hurts. A lot.
And worse, I don't know how to write about it. Despite the fact that I cry about this daily and clearly have a lot of mixed up feelings going on, I can't seem to put that into words. I can't write anything but lists of numbers. 30 grams of fiber, 110 grams of protein, 1,400 to 1,600 calories; blood sugar tests 125, 113, 159, 131, 134; weight = seven pounds lost. All I've got right now are a million numbers I'm still sorting out.
When I figure out how to tell the story in actual words, I'll let you know.