Annabelle Speaks

Have I Ever Mentioned I'm Part French Canadian?

When the Olympics rolls around every two years I am always a little sad at first that it isn't the other Olympics.

Oh, it's the winter Olympics?  Meh, I like the summer Olympics better.

After watching .005 seconds of competition, I change my tune.

OMG I LOVE THE WINTER OLYMPICS.

(In two years you can substitute "Summer" for "Winter", I do this for both).

The winter Olympics appeals to the Midwesterner in me.  Much like the majority of the athletes who participate in the winter Olympics, I am descended from a bunch of morons who decided that living in an area that is frozen solid for months at a time was a good idea.  (News Flash:  IT WAS NOT A GOOD IDEA.)  And yet despite the advent of many forms of transportation that could get us to warmer climates, we continue to live here.

 

But living in a completely uninhabitable climate is not enough for some people.  No.  They need to challenge Darwinism on multiple levels, so they take up truly idiotic sports like ski jumping, luge, skeleton, bobsled, moguls, and half pipe.  Cross-country skiing wasn't dangerous enough so they gave the skiers rifles and called it a biathlon, or they made them complete a ski-jump before they raced cross country and called it the Nordic combined.  Of course there are sports like ice dancing that look all pretty and gentle until you realize that the woman is allowing herself to be lifted up above the man's head while they are both hurtling across a very, very hard surface with blades strapped to their feet.  Who first thought that was a good idea?

 

So, in summation: winter Olympic athletes are not very bright, but DAMN if they aren't a lot of fun to watch.  These are my kind of people.

I Have The Best Wife EVER

T and I have never been big on celebrating Valentine's Day.  When we were dating our anniversary was February 8th and that was close enough for us to not want another day of Forced Romantic Schmoopyness right away, so we skipped Valentine's Day entirely or gave each other deliberately cheesy gifts.  One year I literally gave her a bunch of cheese.

Sometime last week the morning show we listen to on the radio was discussing gifts you should never, ever give to your beloved for Valentines Day.  The list was pretty run-of-the-mill - full of I've-heard-this-before items and dumb jokes.  So, you know, like every other morning radio show in the country.  And yet I have nothing else to occupy my brain while I dry my hair, so I continue to talk back to the radio.  I'm ranting about how this is the dumbest list ever, because if you're going to give someone a gift it needs to be something THEY want, and not everyone wants the same THING, dammit.  Their example of The Worst Valentine's Day Gift Ever was a KitchenAid Mixer, which T knows I lust after regularly.

Me, muttering in the general direction of the radio: I would love a KitchenAid mixer!  And I have no desire to receive flowers!  Bite me, contrived radio show segment!
T:  *Continues ignoring me*

Fast-forward to Saturday, the day before Valentine's Day.  I had worked a long day and a longer week, nearly 70 hours of work in six days.  After work on Saturday I had gone out to run errands and managed to procure cat food and groceries despite long since having lost my will to live.  I was tired and cranky and still didn't know what I was going to make for dinner except I was positive it was going to involve tater tots because OMG PMS.  In other words, I was going to be a delight for the rest of the night.

Then I spotted it.  On the counter.

A picture of a KitchenAid mixer, taped to the coffee grinder.  My heart skipped a beat.  Intriguing.  Was it...just a picture?  Was it a hint of a real mixer that was on the way?  I got a little fluttery and excited as I turned to T.

"Did you get me a KitchenAid mixer?  FOR SERIOUS?"

She barely looked up from the television.  "I thought you'd like the picture, since you don't have a real mixer.  Sorry it is purple, I think our printer is running out of ink."

"Oh.  Okay then.  Haha, nice joke."

I proceeded to mope around the apartment for another ten minutes muttering to myself how that wasn't funny and I've had a long day and of course I didn't expect anything for Valentine's Day but I was so surprised by the picture and I thought was getting surprised by a mixer and now in addition to cranky I was sad about not having a mixer and WAAAH.  (See:  PMS) 

T noticed my moping and tearing up and started laughing at me.  How dare she laugh at me when I've got PMS!  She rolled her eyes and went over to her desk, where a KitchenAid mixer was hiding.

Best. Valentine's. Day. Eve. Ever.

It isn't often someone can surprise a control-freak like me.  I drop hints like anvils and nearly always know what I'm getting and when I'm getting it ahead of time, even if the gift-giver thinks it is a huge surprise.  But this?  She totally surprised me with something I really wanted and didn't expect.  She didn't do it for any reason other than she is nice and she loves me and wanted to give me a special treat in the middle of my most stressful time of year.  Really, it had nothing whatsoever to do with Valentine's Day.  It is on every list of stereotypical bad-idea-gift list, but it was perfect for me.  Thanks, love.

It's All About The Cake

I know it is Wednesday, and I really ought to have gotten around to posting about last weekend sooner, but work busyness jumped up and smacked me in the face.  Life goes on.

 

But this weekend!  Oh, this weekend.  YOU GUYS.  It. Was. Awesome.  Let me back up.

 

A few weeks ago ModernMatriarch asked on Twitter for Chicago pizza recommendations, and because people in Chicago are positively CRAZY about pizza preferences I added my two cents.  I also asked if she happened to be coming to Chicago for some reason, because why else would she be looking for Chicago pizza recommendations?  (I am a GENIUS at reading context clues, I tell you.)  Anyway, she checked out my blog and decided I wasn't actually a serial killer and invited me along to a gathering of blogger types here in Chicago.  Not a BlogHer size gathering, just a small group of online people (ten, including me).  I accepted, and then proceeded to worry about it for two weeks because HELLO, I am a worrier with social anxiety.  It is what I am best at.

 

Despite my advance fretting and worrying, I had an absolute blast.  I could give you a step-by-step account of everything we did, but I suspect that would be less fun to read than it was to live, so I will just bring out the highlights.

 

• Tapas at Cafe Iberico. I don't remember all of what we ate (see: alcohol), but I do remember a lot of garlic and mayo on some potatoes, and something involving goat cheese that was so good I wanted to marry it.
• Polenta fries, cheese fondu, and all manner of good food at Quartino. Pseudostoops ordered for the table and I think I need to hire her as my personal food-orderer at restaurants, because OH MY WORD.
• Much alcohol consumed at four different bars. Fado, Butch McGuires, The Hunt Club, and The Hang Uppe. There were Irish Car Bombs, there was dancing, and ModernMatriarch beat some poor 21 year old boy from Milwaukee in a chugging contest in front of his friends.

• Shared-cab rides both Friday and Saturday night with SaraBellePlane (and Saturday with Pseudostoops), both rides full of easy, comfortable conversation.
• An hour or two of post-bar conversation one of their hotel rooms.
• Cass. Cass deserves her own highlight point here, and not only because she considered making out with me. That woman is outgoing and flirtatious and hilarious and I'm pretty sure I hired her to take pictures of me/T when we (SOMEDAY) get pregnant. But all of those things are not why she gets her own highlight point in this post. No. She gets that because she aquired a sculpted cake for us that was delivered at the end of dinner at Quartino.

 

Yes, that is a cake sculpted to look like balls.  BALLS.  I missed the part of the day that was the source of the quote, but I believe that came from ModernMatriarch.

 

I really have nothing that can follow the ball cake.  How can anything be better than a ball cake?  Really.

 

These ladies?  All awesome.  I wish I could have brought them all home with me and kept them here.

 

Belle Plaine Living (Who lives close enough for me to stalk be IRL friends with, I hope!)

Cass.  Just Curious. (Who I will see at BlogHer! I SO wish she lived closer, if only so we could order ball cakes all the time.  What?)

Chez Rougie  (Made me laugh probably more than the rest of the group combined)

Harmzie (I liked her enough to lend her my iPhone for half the night. THAT'S friendship, y'all.  Also, I stole the pictures in this post from her, because I didn't bring a camera.)

lilsaej (Who is so cute I wanted to put her in my pocket and take her home with me.)

ModernMatriarch (Who reminds me so much of my friend Tina it is terrifying[ly awesome])

McMama's Musings (Pink hair! What's not to love?)

Pseudostoops (Best. Food. Picker. Ever.)

Back To Me (Even cooler in person than online, and I didn't think that would be possible.)

 

I Am Afraid Of The Dumbest Things

Girl Talk Thursday this week is "What are you too chicken-shit to do?"  Of course I could go for the big things, like cliff diving.  If I can't see FOR SURE that there are no pointy rocks on which I may impale myself, I am NOT JUMPING IN.  It took me years to work up the courage to jump off the high-dive in the pool at the YMCA, cliff diving is so not happening.

 

But more entertaining are the more mundane things I'm afraid of doing.  Because I am a big scaredy cat.

 

1.  Drink Guinness.  Yes, really.  Beer in general makes me nervous, because it so often gives me rockin' hangovers.  Ten vodka cranberries?  NO PROBLEM.  Three beers?  I'M GOING TO DIE OMG.  But even worse than that, Guinness is DARK and I can't SEE THROUGH it and there could be sharp rocks hiding in there and I wouldn't know.  Okay, probably no sharp rocks.  But it is filtered through fish bladders, and EW EW EW.  And yet ModernMatriarch is going to try and get me to drink an Irish Car Bomb this weekend and how can I say no to her?  The woman is learning to box, she could totally kick my ass.

 

2.  Eat mussels, clams, lobster, or anything that comes in its own shell.  I'm not afraid of the taste of any of these things, but of not knowing how to properly open and eat them.  Can I just smash them with a hammer?  I have no idea.  I need someone to take me out to a seafood restaurant and teach me how to eat these things so I don't make a fool of myself.  Because if  tried on my own other diners would point and laugh at me trying to claw my way through the lobster shell. Obviously.

 

3.  Drive someone else's car.  I just won't do it.  I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've even driven my Mom's car after getting my own when I was 17.  I don't know how the headlights work and the break might be more or less sensitive and what if I get into an accident and break their car OMG?  Oddly I have no problem driving rental cars.

 

4.  Ask someone out on a friend date.  How in the world do people make friends as an adult?  If I was seven I could just ask someone if they wanted to come over and play.  Now there are children and spouses and jobs and I feel terribly awkward trying to ask someone to hang out.  It is harder than dating ever was.  I would rather go home and sit on the couch.  See also: email people I've exchanged blog comments/tweets with.

 

5.  Exercise in public.  I have an elliptical in my apartment, a Wii Fit, and exercise videos.  I cannot imagine going to a public exercise class of any sort or working out in a gym.  Besides the fact that I am not in "good enough" shape to feel confident exercising where other people can see me, there are quirks in my body and how I move that make me super-extra self conscious.  I recently figured out/was diagnosed as having femoral outward twisting with the added joy of bone spurs in my right hip, which changes how my hips and legs can bend and how I can and cannot stretch.  This is most obvious day-to-day in that my feet point outwards, particularly the right leg, which is the worst.  I remember being SO embarrassed about that as a kid that I hated walking in snow because people could see my footprints behind me and KNOW how much my feet pointed out.  I remember dragging my backpack behind me on the ground to wipe out my footprints because they embarrassed me so much.  While I can talk about that here, in everyday life it seems I'm still not over it.

 

6.  Go to a non-gas station car wash.  If the car wash is not 100% automated where I pay and then type in a code and pull in, I WILL NOT GO.  There is a huge car wash near my house where actual people take your car through the wash and clean the inside windows and dry it off and such, but I am too afraid to go there.  What if I pull in the wrong part of the lot/line?  I don't know how it works!  WILL NOT GO.  See also: my enormous dread every three months when I need to get my oil changed and have to actually interact with Car People.

 

7.  Eat sushi.  I know.  I KNOW.  I've actually eaten sushi several times, but it just stresses me the hell out.  And not because it is raw fish.  No, I'm stressed out and refuse to eat it because I have a small mouth (shut up, I DO TOO) and the sushi roll pieces are too much for one bite without gagging on it, but they can't really be cut apart to make smaller bites without messing everything up and having it fall to pieces.  So I just don't eat it.  Avoidance works!

 

So what strange things are you afraid to try? 

Six More Weeks Of Winter, Or: Thank You, Captain OBVIOUS

I have never understood Groundhog Day.  What a bizarre tradition that just keeps on going, energizer-bunny style.  Men in top hats messing with a large rodent in front of dozens of television cameras?  Every radio station and website and television show reporting that the groundhog saw his shadow like any of us care?  Who are we reporting this for?  Every news person involved seems to be rolling their eyes, everyone watching seems to be rolling their eyes, and yet we keep doing it.  NEWS FLASH:  With all of those television cameras?  I guarantee he sees his shadow, and also he hates us all.  I heard lately that PETA wants them to use a mechanical groundhog, since it is unhealthy to wake any animal during hibernation just to ask him if he sees his shadow or not.  That I might actually care about.  Especially if someone could make the robot groundhog flip us all off when they wake it up.

 

Okay, I have to interrupt this very important post about groundhogs (shut up) because I just burped a CLOUD of cinnamon dust out of my nose, and I just cannot let something like that happen without telling someone.  I take cinnamon capsule pills, among other vitamins, and this morning it seems it dissolved up in my throat somewhere so when I burped (fifteen minutes after taking the pill) a no-shit CLOUD of cinnamon came out of my nose.  Aren't you glad I have a blog so I can update you all on such interesting developments?

 

I don't know how I could possibly top that, so I will leave you with a picture of my new Jumbo Cat: Now With More Tubby.

Who you callin' tubby?  I ARE CUTE.