Annabelle Speaks

How We Found Out

One more story from when we first got me pregnant, then I promise to write/talk about something more current, like how I would shank someone right now for a grilled cheese sandwich.

Thirteen days after the IUI the fertility clinic had me come back in for a blood test to find out if it worked. Because we wouldn't get the blood test results instantly, but over the phone hours later, Teryn didn't come with to the clinic. Instead we opted to try an at-home test together that morning before I left, knowing that it was possible we could get a false negative on the at-home test and I could find out without T (foreshadowing!).

As I bet you've guessed by now, the at-home test was negative.. I didn’t feel particularly sad at that point, but just marched on with my day.  My normal set of PMS symptoms had shown up a few days earlier, so I was already preparing myself for the seemingly inevitable negative result.

Later that morning I went in for a blood test at the fertility clinic, feeling a little down about “wasting” a test when I was obviously not pregnant.  I spent the morning at work composing a list of questions for the nurse about next steps, shipping the next set of sperm vials from the sperm bank to the fertility clinic, etc.  When she called at 11:30am I grabbed my list and was about to jump into my questions when she shocked the hell out of me with “Congratulations!  It was positive!”

Stunned does not begin to describe how I felt.  My heart split in half and part shot down to my toes while the other part lodged itself in my throat.  I fell into my chair more than I sat down.  I think I asked her half a dozen times if she was SURE.  Are you sure those are my results?  Anne Fisher?  Really?  Really, really sure?  ARE YOU SURE?

Because T was with her mom (and we already decided not to tell close family until 10 weeks), I couldn’t call her until later in the afternoon.  I spent four hours at my desk vibrating with excitement; positively beside myself and wishing SO MUCH that I could share this with SOMEONE

By 3:30 I was finally able to talk to T and give her the news.  See up there a couple paragraphs ago, where I was freaking out and asking “ARE YOU SURE?  REALLY?” over and over?  Just read that again and substitute T in the narrative and you have exactly how she took the news. We are clearly a matched pair.

A Conception Story

I won't have a birth story to share for many months yet, but a surprisingly large number of people follow their "congrats!" upon hearing of the pregnancy with "...how does that work?"  Hell, I'd be nosey about it if roles were reversed.  Be warned that while there are no pictures (YOU'RE WELCOME), it is medically graphic to a degree, so feel free to skip this entry if that isn't your thing.

Teryn and I went through California Cryobankto buy sperm.  As my genes are already in the mix (being that it is me who is knocked up), T did the first-pass on searching for a sperm donor who sounded at least on paper a lot like her and her family - blond curly hair, blue eyes, musical, smart, etc.  She narrowed it down to six or seven donors before I joined in. At that point we looked through all of the amazing amounts of detail and medical history, talked about their differences, and re-ranked them, eventually narrowing it down to one choice who had vials available, so we made the purchase.

Meanwhile I was busy getting all of my medical stuff in order with the fertility clinic - they needed my most recent pap results, a letter from my diabetes endocrinologist approving the plan to get pregnancy, and a metric ton of blood tests.  T and I also had to go to a 30-minute "session" with the fertility clinic's psychologist, a requirement of anyone using donor sperm.

Next up was a series of ultrasounds, a base-line ultrasound within the first four days of my period, a saline ultrasound around cycle day 11 where they squirted saline solution in my uterus to measure the lining (this was gross feeling, as what goes in must come out), and a third on day 18 when I should have been close to ovulation (long cycle).  The last ultrasound showed I was pretty much going to ovulate any moment, so we scheduled IUI for the next morning and the morning after that.

The IUI itself was a lot like a pap. They said I might feel pressure when they did the actual insemination, but I didn't.  Afterwards they had me stay laying down for ten minutes (they set a timer!) and then go about my regular day.  T spend the ten minute wait wishing aloud for a sandwich, because she's classy like that. Also because I couldn't reach her from the table to swat her.

And that's really all it took. From there we went through our two-week-wait, alternately convinced I was TOTALLY PREGNANT and then TOTALLY NOT PREGNANT, because I'm very reasonable and sane like that. We were incredibly lucky that I got pregnant on the first try, so we didn't have to deal with multiple cycles. Though having it work on the first try did mean that T wasn't able to fulfill her dream of bringing a sandwich to the next set of IUI to eat during the ten minute wait. Alas.

12 weeks 4 days: Totally Pregnant

HEY GUYS GUESS WHAT??

Looks like somewhere around July 26th Teryn and I will no longer be a family of two, but a family of three.  Awwww.

First trimester has gone SHOCKINGLY well for me so far, other than the non-stop dry-heaving.  But!  I'm not puking!  So I win!  Or something.  It has been positively KILLING me to stay quiet on this.  We found out on November 15th (via blood test at the doctor's office after the home test was WRONG, but that is a story for another day), told parents at Christmas, and now it's finally time to tell all of you.

I'm pregnant.  We're going to be MOMS.  I've never been so excited and terrified of something in my life.  It's going to be so awesome.

2011

(This list of questions originates with  Linda at All & Sundry.  My 2010 version is here.)

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?

Ran a race!  Actually I ran six races.  One 8K, one 4-mile, and four 5Ks.  I actually started running in late 2010, but didn't run an actual race until April 2011, so we'll count this for this year.  Then I hurt my foot mid July and haven't been able to run much since, even after a cast and a couple months of physical therapy.  SADFACE.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't typically write out formal New Year's Resolutions, but this time last year I did start working REALLY hard on eating better and exercising, and I kept that up.  I doubt I'll write any specific resolutions for 2012 either.  Odd, with how much I generally like lists, but it just doesn't appeal to me (right now anyway).

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Many internet friends had babies this year, but none of my in-real-life friends did.  There were a couple of engagements though, so yay for them.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully, no.

5. What countries did you visit?

Ha, no.  2010 was a big year of travel (to domestic locations), so 2011 was more a year of vacations close to home, primarily visiting family.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you didn't have in 2011?

The ability to sleep past 4am, oh my hell.

7. What dates from 2011 will be etched upon your memory, and why?

This summer I got to be there when John proposed to my "baby sis" (who is 23 now HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?) and I will never, ever forget that.  I've known Heather and her family since she was a year old and she is as much family to me as my actual family.  The fact that John invited me to be there and included T and I in the celebration after means the world to me.

On October 15th I also got to see another one of my former babysitting charges get married, and I'm quite sure I cried more happy tears that day than I ever have before in my life.  These kids just keep growing up and becoming happy, healthy ADULTS and it BLOWS MY MIND.

8. What was your biggest achievement of this year?

I'm going to go with the running six races thing again (and improving my time with each race), along with joining and continuing to go to my gym for both group fitness classes and personal training sessions.  Before late 2010 when I started running I'd never run a mile straight in my entire life.  I avoided physical activity as much as humanly possible because I decided sometime long ago that I'm just not good at athletic stuff.  Much to my surprise, it turns out I was wrong - I'm actually pretty good at that stuff, or so says my improved-race times and gushing personal trainer.

9. What was your biggest failure?

While I continued to be an exercise rock-star, my healthy eating sort of went away for a large chunk of 2011.  I'm getting back on track (slowly), but my word is that hard.  Exercising is way easier than eating healthy food I don't like.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I hurt my foot in July running and landed myself in a cast followed by a couple months of physical therapy (following the casts on the same foot and physical therapy also in 2009 and 2010).  It still hurts a lot now (along with a hip thing I'm mostly pretending to ignore), but there is nothing more to do short of surgery, and I'm not ready to go there yet.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My iPad2 and I are BFF.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

T continues to awe her professors at school, even getting invited to present a class presentation at some kind of forum thingy, which was super cool for her.  My dad "retired" and is doing his own consulting thing, and I'm happy to see him so excited about what he is doing.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

All the jackasses who knew what was going on at Penn State and did nothing.  They can all go rot in hell.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Rent and medical expenses, nothing exciting.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Getting the okay from all of my various doctors to start trying to have a baby.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

Colbie Caillat - Brighter Than the Sun.  Though that may just remind me of this month, so that could leak over and remind me of 2012, too.  But it's my favorite song of the moment, and I smile whenever I hear it on the radio.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

Happier, slightly fatter, slightly poorer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

I wish I was able to spend more time with my family, but that is more of a distance-and-money issue than that I didn't make it a priority.  It's just hard to live 400 miles from home, you know?

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

I wish I hadn't wasted so much time/money on physical therapy that didn't really help.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

We drove up to Minnesota to visit my family.  Christmas Eve was spent in Wisconsin at my aunt and uncle's farm, then Christmas mid-morning we drove back to Minnesota, took naps, opened MORE presents, and watched the Packers kick some football ass.  Other than the call for an ambulance for my aunt at 6am on Christmas morning (she is now home from the hospital and fine), it was a lovely, low-key holiday.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

I've kind of fallen in love with a fuzzy pillowcase I got at Target a few weeks ago, but don't tell my wife.  She might make me share.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

I don't think I have a favorite.  Most of the shows I watch are sort of a way of killing time right now.  I did enjoy The Next Iron Chef, Alphas, and I'm starting to watch and like Haven.  I continue to watch an unreal number of crime-dramas (Rizzoli & Isles, Law & Order reruns, Bones, etc.).

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Hating is exhausting.  I prefer my rage in small bursts at particular new stories and/or idiotic celebrities (see: Charlie Sheen), but sustained hate is well beyond my attention span.

24. What was the best book you read?

I'm currently reading my 54th book of 2011, which is EXACTLY the same number of books I read each in 2010 and 2009.  I am surprisingly consistent.  By the rankings I put in Goodreadsmy favorites this year were Room, Bag of Bones, and Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I don't listen to a lot of music, I mostly leave musical discovery up to T.

26. What did you want and get?

A gym membership, an all-clear from my doctors, and an iPad2 (hey, they can't ALL be healthy things.)

27. What did you want and not get?

An iPhone 4S (I'm waiting for the iPhone 5 hopefully next year.)

28. What was your favorite film of 2011?

The Muppet Movie!!  The Rainbow Connection simply broke me (SOBBING IN THE THEATRE), but I loved the cheesiness and the jokes and the songs and and and...I just really liked it. 

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 31 and T and I went out to dinner and a movie.  Nothing big, just a low-key evening.  I think I managed to fit in a nap, too, which is very like me.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

More sleep.  Insomnia mixed with narcolepsy BLOWS, in case I haven't made that clear.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2011?

Ha.  Um....hey, this looks like it mostly matches?  And is clean?

32. What kept you sane?

The friends who live in my computer/email/on Twitter.  What did people do before the internet?  Also naps help, since I can only sleep during the day.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Not sure.  I can't think of any TV-loves-of-my-life this year.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Illinois (where I live) now allows same-sex civil unions, which is a great start.  Maybe someday I'll actually be able to MARRY my wife.  Dream big, I say.

35. Who did you miss?

Alex.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Hmm, I can't think of many new people I met in 2011.  I'll go with everyone I've met at my gym (teachers, trainers, fitness professionals, etc.) since they are so supportive and helpful and lovely.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

I can totally do that, and it doesn't really matter what "that" is.  I can totally do that.  Run a mile, run five miles, lift weights, take a dance class.  That.  All of that.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Right this moment you don't know it
But you're standing prepared
For the advent of all the big stuff
Had you runnin' 'round scared
And because of all that
Life gets simpler in fact

Learn to breathe, when to yield
Find what can be and cannot be healed
On the crest of the wheel - life gets real

Ann Reed - Life Gets Real

Soup Aisle Smackdown

Dear small, downtown grocery store,

I understand that as a smallish grocery store smack in the middle of down-town Chicago that you can't carry every product I could ever need or want.  Real estate is expensive and you only have so much space.  However, maybe if you cut down on the dried-bean soup mix collection you would be able to stock one damn bag of dried lentils.

Sincerely,

Anne

Narcolepsy. Yes, Really.

So, how was your week?  Me?  Oh, I just got diagnosed with narcolepsy.  No big.

(OMGWTFBBQ!)

So that happened.  If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook (or know me in real life), you already know that I went in and had a 24 hour sleep study a few weeks ago.  I had both the overnight (polysomnogram) and daytime (multiple sleep latency test) studies.

You should have seen the FULL set of wires I had overnight, but I couldn't get to my phone to take a picture of them, so you only get the reduced set of wires for a visual.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  First, some background:  I've never been a terribly good sleeper at night.  I supplement with naps pretty much every day that I'm not at work, and I always have.  I remember often taking naps after school even in middle/high school.  Daytime sleepiness is just something that always was, and I mostly attributed it to the fact that I'm genetically unable to sleep through the night and generally wake well before my alarm for no good reason.  It runs in my family - my mom and maternal grandma were always poor sleepers, too, though they can maybe also blame their coffee habits to some degree.  In my lower-self-esteem moments I attributed my tiredness to me being lazy.

But this year something snapped and the sleepiness I have always dealt with sort of took over my life.  I'm always exhausted around April 15th (and for a few weeks following), but this year I didn't bounce back to a "normal" level of tired like I usually do.  I was still painfully tired well into the summer.  A few times in July I either left work to go home and nap or took a nap in our office "comfort room" or on my office floor to take the edge off.  I was so tired it was painful.  On weekend days (or vacation days) I would most often end up taking not one but TWO naps, in addition to a relatively normal 7-8 hours of sleep at night.  After talking to my regular doctor and my endocrinologist, having my thyroid, iron, and vitamin D levels checked, I scheduled a sleep study per their suggestion.

I met with the sleep doctor and gave her my general background/health health history, and she scheduled the nighttime and daytime sleep tests for me.  She said at the time that she didn't think I had sleep apnea/any of the more common sleep problems and did suggest that narcolepsy was a possibility, but I never took that too seriously.  I've never once collapsed or fallen dead asleep while crossing the street/eating dinner/etc, so CLEARLY that was just silly.  I joked about it for weeks.  Narcolepsy!  Can you believe it?  Ha, ha...ha?

The polysomnogram test involved sleeping with roughly twice the number of wires pictured above stuck to my person, along with straps across my chest (measuring breathing effort), wires on my legs (measuring for restless leg syndrome), EKG pads on my chest, an oxygen-measuring tube thing in my nose (measuring the air coming out, not blowing oxygen in), a tiny microphone pasted to my cheek, an oxygen and pulse sensor on my finger, etc.  It was not overly comfortable at first, but I did manage a full 7.5 hours of sleep.  The results of the overnight sleep study were as follows:

1. I do not have sleep apnea.  Yay!

2. I wake up more often than I realize, but it isn't from lack of breathing like with sleep apnea.

3. I have a lot more REM than normal.

4. I fall asleep astonishingly quickly, even with 100 wires stuck to my person.

Together all that meant was that it was a good thing we had the multiple sleep latency test scheduled for the day, because they needed more data.  Had they found sleep apnea or something else that could explain the excessive sleepiness, they would have ended the test here.

The second part of the test, they daytime part, required a reduced set of wires as pictured above, plus the EKG pads.  All the rest came off, thank goodness.  I was required to take five 20 minute naps, one every two hours, starting two hours after waking for the day.  So after waking at 6pm I had scheduled naps at 8am, 10am, 12pm, 2pm, and 4pm.  Between I played on my iPad and read.  For each nap I was given 20 minutes to try to fall asleep.  If I didn't fall asleep within 20 minutes they would end the nap there.  If I did fall asleep, they would wake me 15 minutes after falling asleep.

Because I am ME I was watching the clock and knew that each one of my naps was terminated roughly 20 minutes after it started, so I assumed I was failing at sleeping and wasting everyones time.  I reported at the time that I thought I fell asleep in naps 4 and 5, maybe, but I wasn't sure.  I reported "vivid daydreaming like dreaming", which is why I thought I might have been asleep, but I wasn't entirely sure (I thought I might have been dreaming while awake, which happens).  The actual results were as follows:

1.  I did not fall asleep in nap one, which was no surprise.  I was trying too hard and was really anxious.  I'm told that is pretty common.

2.  I DID fall asleep in ALL of the remaining naps, in as little as 90 seconds.  My average time to fall asleep, for naps scheduled every two hours, on a day following a full night of sleep was FOUR MINUTES.  Woah.  This was very high on the "daytime sleepiness" scale.

So, those results, combined with my self-reported "early-waking" brand of insomnia, a life-long affinity for naps, etc. resulted in the doctor coming to the conclusion of narcolepsy with bonus insomnia.

What it means:  No, I'm not likely going to start falling face-first into my mashed potatoes at the dinner table, dead-asleep.  The often comically portrayed fainting style of narcolepsy (cataplexy) is present in only about 2/3rds of people with narcolepsy.  The other three major symptoms - sleep paralisis (waking up and feeling paralyzed for a few seconds), hallucinations/crazy vivid dreams while falling asleep, and excessive daytime sleepiness are all present for me to some degree.  The excessive daytime sleepiness is my biggest problem.  The sleep paralysis has only happened to me a few times and isn't severe at all, and doesn't interfere with anything.  Oddly I knew what it was from a television show so it didn't/doesn't freak me out.  And the hallucinations/crazy vivid dreams are amusing and entertaining far more often than they are scary/nightmares; I actually kind of like them.

For treatment we are doing two things - medications (stimulants) and sleep-specific cognitive behavioral therapy.  I started the first attempt at a stimulant medication (Nuvigil) yesterday and I felt pretty darn good.  I didn't get sleepy at all until near 5pm, and that was only slightly.  I was alert and able to focus all day, which was spectacular.  I joked that I was pretty sure I could see through walls on this drug, but really simply not being dead-on-my-feet-tired feels like a superpower to me.

Unfortunately I was also awake (FOR THE DAY) at 1:15 this morning, so there is still some adjusting to do.  But I'm hopeful that since I at least felt good during the day that there is an answer that doesn't involve me needing to rent an apartment near my office for daily afternoon naps.  The sleep-specific cognitive behavioral therapy we will schedule when I go in for a follow-up in two weeks.  I don't know much about that yet, other than I am all for trying any non-medication treatment they can come up with.

So!  That's where I'm at.  Mostly I'm just happy to have an answer that isn't "you're lazy, get over it" which was my biggest fear.

This has already gotten incredibly long-winded, but perhaps I missed something.  Feel free to ask any questions you have in the comments.  I've never known anyone with narcolepsy (that I'm aware of), and it is a curious condition.  Ask away.

It's Still Funny Nearly A Month Later

I've subscribed to CNN Breaking News Alert emails for a few years now.  I usually just skim-and-delete, not paying much attention to them unless there is a story that catches my eye.  And yet there is a particular Breaking News Alert that I've saved in my inbox since September 15th, purely because it makes me laugh every single time I read it.

I would argue that this particular "breaking news alert" was neither breaking nor news and didn't really deserve an alert.  This, in and of itself, would not have drawn my attention as that is true of about 50% of these emails.  This particular email delivered the shocking alert that some people in the Republican Party love the Tea Party, some disagree with the Tea Party, and still others don't really much care one way or the other.  But the lol-worthy sentence was at the end (direct quote):

On many issues, the two wings of the GOP are in accord, but they aren't in agreement on issues such as the deficit, global warming, evolution, abortion, same-sex marriage, the Federal Reserve, the Department of Education or Social Security.

My translation:  The two wings agree on so many things!  Really everything except for this really long list of all of the major issues in recent elections!  But other stuff?  They totally agree on!  So MANY THINGS!  No, really!

Out Of Character, In A Good Way

I've never been what you would call an athletically gifted person.  In fact I'm rather the opposite.  I looked so goofy running as a little kid it became an extended-family joke, I worked very hard to not have to touch the ball in my brief stint in basketball, and I once sprained my ankle playing mini-golf.  My track record is not so good.  I have the natural coordination and grace of a drunk hippo on roller skates.  I accept that, and am generally happy sitting quietly on the couch trying not to sprain anything.

My brief relationship with running aside, I've been quite content with my couch-sitting habits.  Unfortunately that doesn't mesh well with wanting to be a healthy and in-shape person, so I've clearly got some changing to do.

And that's pretty much how I found myself at the gym on Tuesday evening, waiting for my first ever appointment with a personal trainer.  An appointment that I had been looking forward to all day.

*record screech*

Yes, you heard me right.  I was looking forward to an appointment with a personal trainer.  An appointment that I knew would contain much sweating and lifting and sore muscles and likely coordination-failure, all in front of a perky, perfectly in-shape personal trainer.  No one was more surprised by my excitement about this plan than me.

Even more surprising?  I'm still excited about this personal-trainer thing, a day and a half later.  Sure, I can't get on/off the toilet without wincing at the soreness of my thigh muscles, but I lifted more weights in that one hour with the trainer than I probably ever have in the rest of my life combined, so a few riped-to-shreds muscles little soreness is fair enough.

My trainer is pretty awesome, too.  She is somewhat perky, and she is in irritatingly perfect shape (she used to be a dancer and went to Juilliard for goodness sake), but she didn't make me feel like a failure for only being able to lift X pounds in any of the exercises, and she made trying new machines and different exercises far less scary than such things feel when I'm on my own.

My plan at this point is to continue seeing her once a week through the end of the year.  January through April 15th will be too hard for sure, with how busy I am at work that time of year, but I have a few months of down-time now to hopefully get into some better exercise habits. 

As long as I stay away from mini-golf, I should be fine.

**********

For Chicagoans who may be curious, the gym I've been going to is Galter Life Center and I love it.  HIGHLY recommended.  The specific trainer I'm seeing there is Suzanne Harris.

POTTERMORE!

Because I am an incredible nerd, when I saw this on my screen the other day I gasped so loud a coworker came into my office to check on me and make sure everything is okay because COME ON.

Congratulations!
You’ve successfully validated your early access Pottermore account. You will be one of the lucky few to shape the experience before the site opens to all in October.

How could I NOT be excited about this?  SO EXCITED.

Leave a comment if any of you are on the site too.  I'm not sure when we'll all actually be in the beta site (even though I have an account they are staggering access to the site itself), but hey, we'll be in soon.  I hope.  My name is HeartNight94, which makes me sound like an emo 12 year old, but oh well.  I think I can live with that.  For Pottermore, I can certainly live with that.

Family Weekend

My parents visited last weekend, and I know it isn't "cool" of me, but GOD I wish they lived closer.  We have so much fun whenever we're together.  I mean, even just doing something as simple as riding the bus.

The matching outfits really make the picture.

My Mom in particular has boundless energy, to the point that she wore out all three of our cats on a daily basis.  I can't wait until she can do this to some grandchildren.

We also took a trip to the Museum of Science and industry where I found my new favorite hat in the gift shop.  It had a handle on the top for special portability.

Also at the museum my mom found her very own Fairy Castle.  For those who don't know her, my Mom's name is Colleen, and her maiden name is Moore, thus why this is HER fairy castle.

It was just an all around spectacular weekend.  I love my parents to pieces, and I cherish every moment we get to spend together, whether we are doing big things, or little things.  I can't wait to see them again at the end of the month when I get to visit Minnesota for Labor Day weekend.